Then, after being here a mere 10 days, I learn that my beloved 13 year old Westie, Arno, has cancer. Since he has Westie Lung (aka pulmonary fibrosis), he isn't a candidate for surgery unless I don't mind him dying on the table. After being shocked out of denial about his age and life expectancy, I'm accepting that I have precious few days left with him. Once again, if my sister hadn't been here.......you get the picture. Not a happy time. There's also been an assortment of financial and legal issues that demanded attention. And today the people upstairs started a major renovation project which involves a new kitchen, bathroom and floors. Talk about noise. I could hear the demolition with earplugs AND my Bose noise cancelling headphones on. Living in a condo was never my dream, but apparently it's an experience Life wants because It's definitely getting the full treatment!
At times I've felt under siege by Life, just waiting like a sitting duck for yet another shoe to drop. Is this really what my life is going to be like - dealing with one bullshit problem after another? Am I cursed? Is my condo cursed? Does God hate me? Am I being punished for something? What the f--- kind of karma am I clearing?????
You can't believe the deep dark places my mind has been. Again, I am so incredibly blessed to have an amazing sister who was able to stay with me long past the date she was due to fly home (she left last Wednesday). Without her I don't want to imagine the shape I'd be in. For whatever reason, at this particular time, I needed to learn (again) that Life is very much in control. As I've said before, I'm a slow, stubborn, dense Soul and don't learn these lessons easily. I could use a 12-Step program for control freaks where the first step is "we admitted we were powerless over Life - that our lives had become unmanageable". What I've learned is that when I stop trying to control, things become manageable. When I truly accept whatever happens and am absolutely okay with it, peace and bliss result. Resist what is and hell is but a moment away.
At the moment, however, I'm in a surrendered state. Any inkling I might have had of being even the slightest bit "on top of things" or "in charge" was wiped cleaned. I have no idea what's next. There's paperwork, organizing, more clutter clearing, taking care of Arno, taking care of me, and some nice things to do like re-connect with friends and maybe take a quilting class. Where it will all lead is anyone's guess. Life has clearly demonstrated I'm simply along for the ride. So, my hands are off the steering wheel, I've moved over to the passenger seat, and at this point am not even looking at the map.
No need. Life is going where It's going without my help. The big question is, can I relax and enjoy the ride? Stay tuned.
