Dharma, Courage and Bliss

I always resonated with the perennial Eastern philosophies such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Jainism even though I was never a serious student of them.  One of the teachings I did study but could never quite get for myself, was the question of my life’s dharma, also translated as purpose or truth.  People also refer to this as the Soul’s purpose, or the reason one incarnates during a particular lifetime.  A big question, and one I started asking when I was 5 years old.

Last week put an end to this lifelong quest when my dharma revealed itself quite dramatically.  I had signed up for a 3-day certification class on Leading Organizational Transitions.  My thinking went something like this:  “I want to be a writer.  But writers don’t make money for years, if ever, so I’ll need a way to support myself once I’m healthy and off disability.  I can’t go back into high tech marketing because it almost killed me.  I liked change management when I went to Georgetown, so I’ll go back and study that some more.” 

Seems like a reasonable plan. I’ve picked something I don’t hate and can hopefully make enough money to support myself in 2-3 days a week, allowing me to write the rest of the time.  The only problem is, this strategy was born out of fear.  My intuition told me that my body wasn’t ready for a 3 day class involving a hellish commute from the suburbs to downtown Washington DC.  I did it anyway, believing I could push myself like in the good old days.  After all, it’s mind over matter, right?  Our thoughts control our destiny and my mind is strong (and willful, stubborn and downright dense at times).  I can do this.  I need this. It’s just for 3 days.  How bad could it be?

Pretty bad. By the evening of the second day the friend I was staying with had to call 911 to take me to the ER.  I won’t go into all the particulars since it was a much less than pleasant experience.  Just believe me when I say that since high school, my stomach has provided excellent feedback about the state of affairs in my life, and it did its job brilliantly on Wednesday night.  It was screaming so loud it needed multiple doses of morphine to calm down. Needless to say, I didn’t finish the class.

Besides being reminded – AGAIN – that my body isn’t simply a vehicle to carry my head around, I saw how strong survival fear still runs.  After all I’ve gone through and let go of, the need for security can still land me in the ER.   

There are so many lessons to absorb: humility, listening to my body, being in the natural flow and rhythm of my life, asking for and receiving help, gratitude, and slowing down, among others.  As profound as these are, receiving confirmation on my Soul’s purpose is the greatest gift.  I now know my dharma is to trust and follow my bliss – no matter what.  In the face of survival fears, uncertainty of where I’m headed and how I’ll get there, self-doubt that I’ll have what it takes to be a good writer or anything else for that matter, anguish over the state of my health and when it will improve, and the loneliness and emptiness of being suspended in time and space. 

I am to do it anyway.  I am to have courage.