Writing - Part 2

After writing the post last night, I read chapter 3 in Brenda Ueland's book If You Want To Write.  In it she talks about some of the motivations behind writing that leave it empty, dry and arduous.  One of those, which has been running in me, is wanting the writing to be good, and to then make a good impression on the readers. There are other motivations at work too, such as the love of writing and moving past my fear of putting it out into the world - yikes!  But, being an over-achieving perfectionist all my life, I most want to be good, a success, and I definitely DON'T want to make a fool of myself by putting something out there that I don't realize totally sucks. 

As a result, when I've been writing these posts, I labor over every word and it takes forever.  Hoping that whoever reads it will think I'm really smart and witty, wise and courageous.  Give me a break.  First of all, as far as I know, only 2-3 people read this, and they are close friends who already love me.  No need to impress them.  But more to the point: old habits die hard. The need to get an A+ so that my teacher, mom, dad and anyone else who knows me will accept and love me still operates in the most subtle, and sometimes not-so-subtle ways.  I want to live from my heart and follow my bliss, not live in the unrelenting search for love and approval.  It led me to do some really cool things and to accomplish a fair amount, but my heart turned up empty and unfulfilled and my body sick and disabled. 

It is time for a different approach to life and to writing.  I've now spent about 10-15 minutes writing this.  I'll go back and edit for obvious grammatical faux pas, and post it.  Now that takes courage!